What if You and Jesus are Nothing Alike?…..

 tommy here, in krissi’s stead I was praying on a flight to a show in maryland a few months ago, and there was this gnawing sense of guilt and desperation in my heart. I was grappling with  Not being submitted in love or obedience enough, not pursuing or following or pushing or whatever the expectation was. I suck at the  ”die and let Christ live through me”, I wasn’t doing it Right. I’m conscience of the fact thatwhen  my super religious self is rollin, I just want him to kill “me” so that there is nothing of me left ya  know. Me = horrible him = holy you vile worm know what I mean?  The religious spirit christian culture pressure cooker creating  shame and frustration.  At any rate, I am on the verge of having a full fledged religious anxiety attack because, what I was trying to get out to him was my frustration and desperation  to be the perfect lover. But feeling like there is no way he wants ME to be the Lover, know what I mean.  I truly want that Jesus could say of me, “Yeah, he’s easily distracted he’s hyperactive, he’s a critic, he’s a cynic, but ya know what?, He is sincere. When I have something I need to tell someone, and I can’t get through to anyone else in the church world, I got tommy, and he is a lot of other things, but mostly, he is what I want in a lover.”  But I am kicking myself for not doing this thing even close to right, whatever IT is, I know that I am bad and he is good so I should die that he might live. Whatever, right. Can you hear me?  I am there in desire, but missing the point and the Lord spoke to me and said, ” What if I told you, you and Jesus are nothing alike?” In that moment I understood, that I was known and loved. I am fully understood as being who I am. Different from everyone else, but understood by the Father, and he is a fan of who He made, when he made me.  I missed his heart, In my quest to snuff myself out of the picture, I was missing the point, God was like, I Made You, I know who you are, you have a different personality then Jesus. Stop judging my work in you. Culture, upbringing, disfunction, pain and joy have molded you differently then my son Jesus, but he wants to live through you. He can live through all of that, but I want you to give me you.  Human you is okay with me. Stop pretending and trying to forcebly change your personality to fit a mold you don’t understand. You and him are not the same dude.                                    Which gets me thinking quite a lot of things about the Humanity and personality of my Love, and I was wondering if he was more like the quiet dude that was not outgoing like me, but was the kid with his head on straight, not quite unlike a trusted advisor or friend, a mystic with a calm presence and the ability to seamlessly morph through the personality spectrum in the wink of an eye, but not losing his human characteristics, like his parents and family on the earth, what was this dude like? I’m hating myself for being who I am,  and Jesus is like, “There is noone else that Loves me like you do. Stop hating what I have made beautiful in it’s time.”  I wonder how often I have despised the gift God gave me, in me. There will never be another me, and there will never be another you. A message from the Lord. Stop despising who you are, and Give who you are to him, that Jesus would live through, you, not in spite of you. Through me, not in spite of me. He likes me, because he knows me, and he understands my personality. I cannot change who I am. i am a created Son and I desire to be like the Uncreated one, but he knows that the only way for me to experience that reality is to be honest and open to him, to give him expression through my existence. A pure and sincere aroma, from my spirit to his, deep calling unto deep. Over and Over Again.  I Gotta Be ME I GoTTA BE ME!!!  haha. Love from boy